The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says Trust Me
by glaurificus
Summary: (New Chapter Added) A light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney. R/R please!
1. Chapter 1

Title:  The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"

Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters.  And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki.  Ewww.

Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.

Rating: PG due to light language.

Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.

Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews! They mean a lot to us.

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_Sydney, wearing a cheerleading outfit, falls through a hatch in the Super-Secret CIA Compound and lands on a bunch of fluffy mattresses._

SYDNEY [getting up, dusting herself off]:         Umm…Guys, is that entrance procedure necessary?

KENDALL:     Yes, it is.  You must jog past the bum and put 72 cents in his cup, do 14 cartwheels across the park in the provided cheerleading outfit, so that our cameras can…make sure you're not being followed, go under the overpass and enter your 15-digit code into the phone, ensuring that the phone is ringing like this:  "Ring-Ring…Ring-Ring…"  If it is ringing like this:  "Ring…Ring…" then you're being followed, and you should kill whoever's behind you before entering the code.  I feel I should remind you, however, that the code changes every 12 hours, unless you're being followed, in which case the number has now changed, but only by replacing any 8's with 0's in the current code.  If you enter the code incorrectly, you will explode.

SYDNEY [puzzled]:     What do you mean, "explode?"

KENDALL [nonchalantly]:       Well, remember when we snuck into your house last night while you slept?

SYDNEY [offended]:               What?!

KENDALL [stuttering]:            Well, I, uh…

SYDNEY [demanding]:            Vaughn?  Did you know about this?

VAUGHN [trying to defend himself]:    Uh…No!  This is an outrage!

KENDALL:     What are you talking about, Vaughn?  It was your idea, remember?  You even came up with the cheerleader outfit concept!

_Sydney__ glares at Vaughn._

VAUGHN:       What?  Do you have something against wearing a provocative cheerleading outfit in front of a bunch of sexually frustrated CIA agents who can't even think about nookie without a visit to Barnett?

SYDNEY:        Well, when you put it that way…YES!

KENDALL [continuing]:           Anyway, once the code is entered correctly, you must tumble through the hole in the doorway:  don't just jump in, don't walk through it, you must tumble.  Then, you'll land here, on these fluffy mattresses.  So, after all that, I assume you know why you're here?

SYDNEY:        To exchange subtle sub textual glances of unexpressed lust with my handler, but never actually get to touch him?

KENDALL [giving her a look]: That, and to tell us your SD-6 mission.

SYDNEY:        Didn't you get it off my lunch bag?

VAUGHN:       Well, we would have, except you threw it out with your coffee, so the whole thing was ruined. [gets closer to her] Speaking of coffee, what are you doing Saturday night?

KENDALL:     Vaughn!

VAUGHN [sheepishly]:            Sorry, sir. [gesturing] Call me!

_The doorbell rings._

SYDNEY [scowling]:               There's…A doorbell?

VAUGHN: [uncomfortably]:                 I'll get it.

_The three proceed to the front foyer._

SYDNEY [angrily]:      There's…A FRONT FOYER?!

_Kendall__ opens the door; Weiss is on the other side._

VAUGHN:       Weiss!  You're back!

WEISS [indignantly]:    Uh…Yeah.  I've been back for three weeks.

VAUGHN:       Oh…

WEISS [angrily]:          I knew it!  You guys were so busy with Sydney's mom that you forgot all about me!  While I was in the hospital, I didn't even get one "get well" card!  NOT ONE!

SYDNEY:        What do you mean?  What about the box of chocolates I sent you?

VAUGHN:       Or the huge card I had the whole office sign?

WEISS [dejectedly]:     Not a single card…

KENDALL:     How did you find us?

WEISS:            I followed Sydney to the overpass, and then followed the sign that said, "To the Super-Secret CIA Compound."

SYDNEY [glaring at Kendall]:  I thought the cameras were supposed to pick him up.

_Kendall and Vaughn look around nervously._

KENDALL:     The cameras were down today…

WEISS:            Can I come in now?

KENDALL:     Tell us about your assignment, Sydney.

_Star wipe to SD-6 meeting room, 1 hour ago._

SLOANE:        We've received word that Mr. Sark is after another set of Rambaldi artifacts.  They are interspersed all around the world.

SYDNEY:        What are they?

SLOANE:        The Rambaldi Spoon, Knife, Fork, and Tea Set.

_Everyone stares blankly at Sloane._

SLOANE:        No, really!  Once the Rambaldi Spoon, Knife, and Fork are together, they play a musical tune which, when transposed to numbers and their order reversed, display the coordinates for the location of the Rambaldi Tea Set.  Once the Tea Set is brought near the other Rambaldi Utensils, it too plays a melody which holds the key to eternal life.

_Everyone stares at Sloane as if he were __Marshall__._

SLOANE:        In any case, we want you, Sydney, to find these artifacts before Sark does.

_Star wipe back to the CIA Compound._

_Kendall__ stares at __Sydney__._

SYDNEY:        What?!  I'm telling the truth!

KENDALL:     Well, just to be sure, you should probably speak to your mother about this.

SYDNEY:        What?  Why?

KENDALL:     She won't bullshit us.  Besides, every week I want you to talk to her, you protest, and then Vaughn brings up a perfectly logical reason why you should, so can't we just avoid that this time?

VAUGHN:       He's got a point…

SYDNEY:        You stay out of this.  [considers] But you're right.  I'll do it.

KENDALL:     One more thing, though…

SYDNEY [fed up]:       What?

KENDALL:     We found that your mother responds quite nicely to cheerleaders…

SYDNEY [shouting]:    I'm NOT dressing up for you again!

_Sydney__ stomps out of the room to go get changed._


	2. Chapter 2

Title:  The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"

Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters.  And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki.  Ewww.

Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.

Rating: G.  Plain and simple.

Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.

Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews! They mean a lot to us.

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_Sydney__, in her most professional-looking outfit, heads toward the area where Irina is being held._

SYDNEY:        Hi, Fred, how are you today?

BILL:               My name's Bill, Agent Bristow!

SYDNEY:        Yeah, whatever.  I'm here to see the prisoner.

BILL:               Head on through.

_Sydney__ passes through wave after wave of steel bar doors, all raising at different speeds, and in different directions.  The last one opens 3 quarters of the way up, and __Sydney__ hits her head on it._

SYDNEY [holding the forehead]:          Ow!

BILL [shouting down the hall]:  Watch the last one, Agent Bristow; it sticks.

SYDNEY [sarcastically]:          Thanks.  [Under her breath] Putz.

BILL [under his breath]:            Call me "Fred," will you…Heh heh heh…

_Weepy cello music plays as __Sydney__ approaches the cell where Irina is being confined._

IRINA [meditating]:                  Hello, Clarise…

SYDNEY:        What?

IRINA [suddenly awake]:         Oh, sorry.  I was expecting someone else.

SYDNEY/IRINA [simultaneously]:       I'm/You're going on another mission.

_They both stop at once and laugh._

SYDNEY:        Wow!  It's like we have the same brain!

IRINA [slurping like Hannibal Lecter]:  Yes…Brains…

SYDNEY [giving her a look]:   O…K…All SD-6 knows is that the Rambaldi Spoon I'm supposed to find is somewhere in France-

IRINA:             France?  Really?  France? [tucks hair]

SYDNEY:        Stop that! [tucks hair]

IRINA [tucking hair]:                Stop what?

SYDNEY [tucking hair]:           THAT!

IRINA [tucking hair again]:       WHAT?

SYDNEY [annoyed]:               Anyway, my plane leaves in 20 minutes, so I need intel now!

_Weepy cello music drowns out everything Irina tries to say._

IRINA: Keep it down!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Must…Sleep…With…Miguel…

IRINA:             That's _Passions, you moron!  I brought you back from the dead to play my cello music, not to spout some nonsense about some B-rated soap opera!_

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry…Brains now?

IRINA:             You didn't have them when you were alive, so you're not gonna get them now that you're dead!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry…

IRINA:             Now keep playing!  I like that song.

SYDNEY [waving hands at Irina]:        Hey! Intel!

IRINA:             Ah yes, sorry.  [Russian accent] The Spoon is hidden in a Bed and Breakfast [American accent] called "La Maison D'Etre…"

SYDNEY [very confused]:       Uh…Mom?  What's with your accent?

IRINA [Russian accent]:           Vat accent? [American accent] Oh, that. I can [Russian accent] turn it on and off [American] like a switch!

SYDNEY:        …Yeah…So, the "Maison D'Etre" is in…

IRINA:             Do you remember when you were six?

SYDNEY:        We're not having this conversation.

IRINA:             You asked me a question and I'm giving you an embarrassing anecdote as an answer.

SYDNEY [taps her foot]:         Make it quick.

IRINA:             Remember when you were six and you insisted on running naked through the sprinklers at the country club?

_Zombie Haladki starts giggling._

IRINA [raising the back of her hand]:    Shut up or I'll let Jack know where you are!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry! [holding himself and rocking] Jack bad!  Jack bad!  Should've taken the bus!

IRINA:             Keep playing! [Turns back to Sydney] As I was saying, uh…I forget!  So, in conclusion:  The Bed and Breakfast is in Marseilles, Sark is following you and will continue to do so.  Have fun, honey!

SYDNEY:        Thanks. [looks back, tucks her hair and walks off]

IRINA [pounding fist on glass]: Damn!

_Zombie Haladki giggles._

IRINA:             Shut up!

_MEANWHILE…_

_Jack is staring at the camera feed from Irina's cell._

JACK [playfully pinching fingers in front of computer screen over Irina's head]:  Squisha-head!  Squisha-head!...[menacingly] Ah ha!  At last Sydney is gone!  Now I can…Uhh…I can't think of anything intimidating.  I'll just go talk to her.

_Jack heads down the hall, and passes a dessert cart._

JACK:             Ooh! Date square!


	3. Chapter 3

Title:  The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"

Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters.  And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki.  Ewww.

Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.

Rating: PG for some volatile language.

Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.

Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews (especially Ice and GataFairy! Whoever you are, you rule!).

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_The scene opens with everybody's favourite secret agent walking up the steps of the Maison D'Etre B & B.  Nicely tailored suit, shiny Rolex, it's James Bond!  However, __Sydney__ is right behind him & she knocks him out with a baseball bat._

SYDNEY:        Ha ha!  The spoon is mine!

BOND [groaning]:        Why does this always happen to me when I'm on vacation…? [passes out]

_Gingerly stepping over him, __Sydney__ opens the door & walks into the small lobby.  A bell-hop greets her._

BELLHOP:      Take your bags, madame?

SYDNEY:        I only have my super-swank purse.

BELLHOP:      And you wouldn't even have to carry that if you worked for me.

SYDNEY:        Sark!

_The bellhop points a gun at __Sydney__'s head and removes his hat to reveal __Sark__._

SARK:             So, will you consider dating er, I mean, working for me?

SYDNEY:        I thought you were dead!

SARK:             Ha ha!  I managed to teleport out of the way of the blast.  How do you think I get to you on every one of your missions?

SYDNEY:        That's creepy, and I'll pass. [kicks him in the groin] I have a mission to do. [kicks him again & steps over him]

DIXON [on com]:        Sydney, are you O.K.?

SYDNEY:        Yeah, it was just Sark, again.  So where's the spoon again?

DIXON:           In a drawer in the kitchen, at the end of the hall.  Now remember, the combination for the drawer is: "Pull."

SYDNEY [rolling her eyes]:      Thanks.  I'm going radio-silent.

DIXON:           Why do you always do that just as you're about to get the info or the stuff?

SYDNEY:        …Uh…That's classified information.

DIXON:           O.K….wait a minute!  Why'd you take so long to answer?

SYDNEY:        …No reason…

DIXON:           O.K….wait a minute!  Are you just trying to shut me up?

SYDNEY:        …No, of course not.

DIXON:           O.K….wait a minute-

SYDNEY:        Dixon!  I don't have time for this!  Now, just keep it down.

DIXON:           Sorry.  You know, you can feel free to bring me some cookies…

SYDNEY:        Fine.  Going radio-silent.

DIXON:           But you never answered-

_Sydney__ turns off her SD-6 com and turns on her CIA one._

SYDNEY:        Locker Room, this is Cheerleader.

VAUGHN:       Go ahead, Cheerleader. [Kendall snickers in the background]

SYDNEY [under her breath]:   Why the hell did I agree to that call sign?

VAUGHN:       What?

SYDNEY:        Uh…hope I make it home for dinner time.

VAUGHN:       Oh, O.K.  Do you have the spoon?

SYDNEY [finds spoon]:           Yes yes yes.

VAUGHN:       Do you remember the plan?

SYDNEY:        Yeah, yeah.  I give the fake copy to Dixon, and let the CIA have the real one, which I give to you in the warehouse, along with several of the aforementioned sub-textual glances.

VAUGHN:       You're forgetting the cheerleading outfit.

SYDNEY:        I'M NOT WEARING THAT GOD-DAMN OUTFIT!

VAUGHN:       Ow!  Stop shouting!  O.K., O.K., you don't have to wear the outfit!  Jeez!  Midol, anybody?

SYDNEY:        Ugh!  I'm heading out.

VAUGHN:       Copy that, Cheerleader. [Sexily] See you in the warehouse

_Sydney__ rolls her eyes and turns on her SD-6 com._

DIXON [humming]:      Oh, you're back.  Got the spoon?

SYDNEY:        Check.  Counterfeit spoon and peanut butter cookies coming your way.

DIXON:           Great.  Are they home-baked or store bought, 'cause I really like it when-hey!  Wait a minute!  Did you say, "counterfeit" spoon?

SYDNEY:        Uhh…Going radio-silent!

_Cut to SD-6 Headquarters._

SLOANE:        Great work, Sydney.  Although I don't think I'll ever know why Rambaldi went to all the trouble of having his spoon made in Taiwan and then shipped to France…

SYDNEY:        Uh…just another Rambaldi mystery!

SLOANE [sitting down next to her]:     You know, you can always come to me to talk, even if it's just about what pair of shoes you bought today. [kisses her hand] Black pumps are classic elegance.

SYDNEY [about to vomit]:      Thanks I…uhh…gotta use the ladies room…Bye!

_Sydney__ runs out the door._

SLOANE:        Damn!  Shot down again! [goes back to desk]  Oh well, bathroom cam, here I come!

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_A/N:     Sorry to all you Bond fans out there, but I just never liked the guy.  Misogynistic philanderer [shakes fist, ducks behind wall to hide from angry Bond fans. Wipes brow]._


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"

Authors: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Rating; it's PG-13 this time kiddies, for some swears

Summary: Jack visits Irina, wackiness ensues

Disclaimer: Neither one of us owns J.J's characters, yadda yadda yadda

Note: Thank you so much everybody who reviewed and who haven't tried to kill me for the Bond thing. I was really worried for awhile. Special shout out to GataFairie and Co. – the encouragement has kept this fic alive!

_Our scene opens as Jack approaches Irina's cell. He greets the lone, inept guard._

JACK: Hey Fred.

GUARD [through clenched teeth]:             It's Bill. My name is on the fucking name tag! See? "Bill"!

JACK:            Whatever.

BILL [muttering to himself]:                I'll show him, heh heh heh…

Jack passes through the sets of gates, and just like before, the last one only opens half-way.

JACK [through clenched teeth]:            Ow.

BILL [quietly snickering to himself]:             Fell for it just like his daughter.

Upon hearing a man mention Sydney, Jack flies into a Hulk-like mindless rage. 

JACK:             Jack Bristow MAD! Jack Bristow SMASH!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!

BILL:               NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Jack beats the guard into a squishy pile of red and pink goo, then returns to his normal, stoic self.

JACK:             Teach you to talk about Sydney.

Weepy cello music again plays as Jack nears Irina's cell.

JACK:             Where's that music coming from?

ZOMBIE HALADKI [weakly]:            Nowhere…

JACK:             Oh, okay. [turns to face Irina] So, we meet again.

IRINA:             Yes, I've waited almost thirty years for this moment.

JACK:             Didn't you already say that to Sydney?

Irina [shrugging]:             Possibly. I have to many schemes for world domination running through my heads to keep track. And also, "Hey Jude".

JACK:             I'll keep this brief.

IRINA:             Just like you did when we were married.

JACK [clenching teeth]:   If you hurt Sydney, I'll kill you with my bare hands.

IRINA:             That would involve touching me, but then again, maybe you've had time to improve in thirty years.

JACK [vein bulging in his forehead]:                     I'm going to blow your head off.

IRINA:             Pft. Wouldn't be the first time. "It's been  a stressful day." Yeah right. You just couldn't get it up. No wonder I ended up with Khasinau.

JACK [morphing into Hulk again]:             THAT'S IT!!!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU IMPOTENT!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Jack whips out 2 automatic hand guns and starts shooting at the glass of Irina's cell.

IRINA [unimpressed]:             It's bullet-proof, dumb-ass.

JACK [considers for a moment]:             I'll be back in a jiffy!

He runs back to the guard station and gets a blow torch and mask. Why do they have these at a simple guard station? Ask Rambaldi, he has to be involved somehow. Oh, wait, you can't. HE'S DEAD! Just one of the many unpleasant side-effects of being a heretic! Anyway, now back to our originally scheduled parody.

Jack starts up the blow-torch and puts on the mask; he wants to be safe while freeing a sociopathic killer.

JACK [laughing maniacally]:             Now we'll see who's the impotent one!

For the first time in almost thirty years, sparks fly between Jack and Irina as he sauders along the frames that hold the glass in place. Finally the panel gives.

JACK [removing mask]: Alright, bring it on bitch!

Irina stands perfectly still and considers her next move.

JACK:             COME ON!!! Chicken! [flaps arms] Bwack bwack bwack!!

IRINA [punching Jack]: Sai yugen!!

With that, Jack is out like a light! 

IRINA [stepping over him]: Ha ha! Now, to find that handler of Sydney's!! Mwahahaha! [coughs, wheezes] It's been too long since I've done that.

As Irina slinks out through the hallway, she passes yet another randomly placed desert cart.

IRINA: Oooh! Brownie!

_AN: I hope you like this latest installment on our journey through parody land! Keep the reviews coming. After all, I don't expect everyone to review, just you._


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"

Authors: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Rating:  PG-13

Summary:  Sydney returns from her mission/drama at the CIA HQ

Disclaimer: Neither one of us owns J.J's characters, yadda yadda yadda

Authors' Note: Once again, thanks to everyone who has cheered us on and waited so patiently for this next instalment.

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_Our parody opens with __Sydney__ returning from the field with a large bag full of the Rambaldi artifacts. She enters the briefing room, bruised and battered, and finds Sloane, __Dixon__, and __Marshall__ huddled together at the table._

Sydney:            Hey guys, whatcha looking at?

_They all look up guiltily._

Marshall:          I...uh...we weren't...uh...looking...at the uhh...Rambaldi...catalogue. 

_Sloane smacks __Marshall__ upside the head._

Sloane:            We were just going through the...uh Rambaldi catalogue...Crap! I mean, the specs for your next mission. Yes, that shall do nicely. 

Sydney [setting bag down]:       Right...Let me see that!

_Sydney__ wrestles the catalogue out of __Marshall__'s hand. She flips through it, seeing all the items she worked so hard to get being sold for the low low price of $29.99!_

Sydney [trying to contain her rage]:       Exactly when did you get this....

Marshall:          Well...I...uh...kinda sent...uh...away for it....Uh...probably should've...mentioned this earlier, huh? [timidly] Don't kill me.

Sydney[slowly]:            I'm going to leave now, take a bubble bath, and try to forget about this whole week…

Dixon: Well Syd, if you're going to take a bath, try the new Scents of Sebasio bath and body wash!

_Dixon__ holds up a bottle of Rambaldi's "new" body wash, which has the slogan "Quell your fires with the Scent of Sebasio!"_

_Sydney__ tries to wither __Dixon__ with her gaze._

Sydney:            I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, I'm going home. [turns to Sloane] Don't send anyone to follow me; I'll kill them.

Sloane [weakly]: Yes ma'am. But uh...would you agree to some camera surveillance?

Sydney [through clenched teeth]:           Don't even think about it, old man.

Sloane [sinking further into his chair]:     I uhh...already   thought about it...is that okay?

_Sydney__ shudders and walks off and heads for the Ops Centre._

_MEANWHILE...at the Ops Centre:_

Kendall:            Doo doo doo do doo. Hey Fred! 

_The small pile of goo vibrates with rage._

Kendall:            [beat] Ok then, I'll just let myself in. Take it easy!

_The gates rise and __Kendall__ proceeds to walk through. Of course, he bangs his head on the last gate. The pile of goo giggles to itself._

Kendall:            Ooow! My beautiful forehead! I just got it out of the Shino-Ballo! Now Derevko will never respect me!

_Kendall__ proceeds forth anyway, and sees Jack lying unconscious._

Kendall:            OhmiGod! Jack's knocked out and Irina...I mean Ms. Derevko, has escaped! [trips] And what the hell is this dessert cart doing here??

Weiss [mumbling]:        I...uhhh...thought it would...I'm uh...fired aren't I?

Kendall:            You bet your sweet ass you are!

Weiss:              What??

Kendall:            Nothing...just get out of my sight!!!!

_Kendall__ picks himself up and goes over to Jack._

Jack [muttering incoherently]:    I'll show you...impotent....

Kendall:            Jack! JACK! You've got to get up! Your wife has escaped!!

Jack[still dazed]:           You're crazy....My wife's upstairs teaching Sydney how to load a gun...

Kendall:            Uhh...Jack, that was you.

Jack:    Oh yeah...I guess I better get up for school, mommy...

Kendall [rolls eyes and picks Jack up]:  I'm not your mommy! [slaps him awake] Now, you've got to focus.

Jack [alert now]:           You're right

_Kendall__ preens._

Jack:    Knock that off! Now, if I remember correctly, Irina said something about a handler as she was leaving...

Weiss:              What about Mike?

Kendall [giving him a look]:       I thought I fired you...

Weiss:              Yeah, but it looks like you need all the man power you can get. Besides, if she shoots me again, I get to go back to all the sexy nurses at the CIA hospital.

_Jack and Kendall stare at him blankly._

Weiss:              And I'm searching for clues...[walks into the cell]

Jack:    Nevertheless, we have a sociopathic bitch to hunt down and kill - 

Kendall:            I don't think we're allowed - 

Jack [through gritted teeth]:       I *said* we have a sociopathic bitch to hunt down and kill.

Kendall:            Whatever. She never gave me the respect I deserve anyway.

Weiss:              Hey! I know where she's going!

Jack:    If only we knew what her next move is....

Weiss:              Guys! I know! I know!

Kendall:            That's impossible; you're not even a full cast member.

Weiss:              Neither are you...

Kendall:            I don't think I like your attitude. You know I'm licensed to put you in solitary....

Weiss:              No you're not.

Kendall [hangs head]:               I just like to pretend I can...

Jack [frustrated]:           How do you know where Derevko is heading?

Weiss:              It's written down in her agenda [picks up notebook]: See? It's her 12 o'clock: '"Meeting" with Agent Vaughn Jr'.

Kendall:            By the flaming moons of Alpha Centuri! I mean....why didn't we ever notice this notebook before?

Weiss:              Well, there is a note addressed to you here sir. [hands Kendall the note]

Kendall [reading]:         'Dear Assistant Director Kendall: I hope you've finally found my secret notebook. It contains the secrets of my years as KGB and...' aww... I can't read the rest.

Jack:    Does it say anything about me?

Kendall:            Pfft! Why the hell would she talk about you?

Jack:    At least I got some from her.

Kendall:            Oh yeah, then why was she always talking about your limp - 

Jack [morphing into Hulk again]:           JACK BRISTOW MAD!! JACK BRISTOW SMASH!!!

_Jack beats __Kendall__ to an ugly grease spot on the floor._

__

Jack:    And that is that.

_Weiss, who has been paralyzed with fear, starts to mumble incoherently._

Jack:    Weren't you just fired?

_Jack walks out to the main lobby of the Ops Centre, where he meets __Sydney__._

Jack:    Sydney, what are you doing here?

Sydney:            Sloane actually had a catalogue of the Rambaldi artifacts plus some cheap Rambaldi merchandise.

Jack:    Want me to kill him? I just offed Kendall.

Sydney:            Tempting, but no thanks. I'm just going to find Vaughn and tell him about my day, possibly flirt a little. You go home, rest up.

Jack:    Uhh...Sydney, we have a problem...

_Dramatic music plays...._

_To be continued...?_


	6. Chapter 6

_The last scene in our parody opens in the place VartanHo dreams are made of - Vaughn's bedroom! Everyone's favourite__ handler seems to be having a good time..._

Vaughn [dreaming]:       Oh Syd! We have to put our clothes back on before your dad finds us...

_Suddenly, Vaughn is jolted awake as he becomes aware of a shadowy female figure standing at the end of his bed._

Vaughn:            Syd, I just came from your house. I'm not a machine!

Woman [whispering]:                Come on, just one more time?

_The mysterious woman advances on the bed and crawls up it until she's right on top of Vaughn._

Vaughn:            Oh Syd, what's gotten into you?

Woman [licking Vaughn's earlobe]:       Mmmmm....I could just eat you up.

Vaughn:            NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_He throws the woman off the bed._

Irina: [pouting]: Is that anyway to treat - 

Vaughn:            My true love's estranged, psychopathic mother? Someone who slept with Khasinau!!!???

Irina:                 What can I say? The old man had some moves!

Vaughn [disgusted]:                  I wish Sydney could be here to see this...

_At that exact moment, __Sydney__ bursts in the door._

Sydney:            Vaughn! Are you alright?

Vaughn:            I wish I had a million dollars!

_Both women stare at him blankly._

Vaughn [sheepishly]:                 Just checking.

Sydney:            Wait, what is my mother doing here?

Irina:                 Well, I was getting bored in custody, and your, ahem, "colleague" is hot, so I figured....

Sydney:            But, we're dating now! You can't have him! [pulls Vaughn closer] I love him, mommy! I really do!

Irina:                 Love? Interesting....

Vaughn:            Wait? You love me?! [Sydney nods] Well, in that case, I still have that cheerleader outfit in my closet if you wanna...you know....

Sydney [sexily]:            Oh, I won't need an outfit for this mission, Rrrrroaw!

_Vaughn leans in to kiss Sydney's earlobe when he remembers Irina is still standing there, watching them intently with her soulless black eyes, scrutinizing their every move, calculating how to use it against them....I'll stop._

Vaughn:            Uhhh...shouldn't you be somewhere that isn't here?

Irina:                 Yes, and so should he.

_Irina reaches out Vaughn's window and pulls Jack in from the bushes._

Sydney:            Dad!!!!???

Jack [brushing himself off]:                    Uhh...I was just.....you gotta hide me. Kendall's been making passes at me all day trying to get his job back.

_Everyone shudders._

Irina:                 And you turned him down because you're still married to me! [tears up]

Jack:                Irina, you're leaking. You might want to - 

Irina:                 KISS ME, YOU FOOL!!!

_With that, Irina wraps her tentacles, I mean, arms around Jack and passionately kisses him. Vaughn and Sydney wince and turn the other way._

Jack [pulling away and gasping]:            Damn....woman...it's been....too long.

Sydney:            Umm...guys? There's a bedroom down the hall to your left.

Vaughn:            How did you know that?

Sydney [coyly]: You're not the only one who can pull a midnight break-and-enter.

Vaughn:            Hey, you're still sexier than Alice!

Sydney:            Honey, anything is.

_They kiss._

Jack:                Hey! He's kissing our little girl! LEMME AT HIM!!

Irina [leading Jack towards the door]:    Have fun you two! Make us some beautiful grandchildren!

_Jack closes the door. Fade to black._

_Unfade to Weiss and __Sark_ in front of a velvet curtain.__

Weiss:              We hope you've enjoyed our little parody. Did it have a point? Nope! Just some good old' fashion adventures a la Bristow!

Sark:                Not that we minor characters minded being shafted for a piece of half-witted fluff that could never really happen.

Weiss:              Cut it out, buddy. I'm warning you

Sark:                I mean, honestly, Irina Derevko as the good guy? Moreover, what's with all the improbable relationships? Jack and Irina getting back together? Please! Even if he could **get it up**, Irina would just use him and lose him.

Weiss:              Seriously. Knock it off.

Sark:                And don't even get me started with the whole Sydney - Vaughn thing! He's such a bloody boy scout!

Weiss:              Actually - 

Sark:                Like he could ever really satisfy her! The girl likes her men dark, with lots of secrets and lies involved. He tells her the truth about everything??!! What's the fun in that? Now, a man like me could really get her engine going! One night with me, that's all I'm saying. I'd have her upside down and half way to Happy Land before she could even say "You're cute but I'll pass." Pfft! I'm the type of man she really wants, deep down!

Weiss:              THAT'S IT!!!! They [punch] have [punch] a [punch] miraculous [punch punch] LOVE!!  [straightens tie] Sorry about him ladies, gentlemen, VartanHos in the back. As I was saying, I hope you enjoyed our program. Good night!

CREDITS

_The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"_

Directed by: Glaurificus

Produced by: Linoge

Motivational Coach: GataFairy

Promotional Consideration Provided by:

Nike Nymph Cheerleading Outfits:        "Breath-taking vistas at low-low prices!"

Voodoo Republic Revivifications:          "For all your undead musical needs"

The Maison D'Etre Bed and Breakfast:             "Now with the Emily Sloane two ting finger seal of approval!"

L'il Sarky's Decoy Delicacies:   "For the hungry super villain in all of us"

The James Bond Franchise:                   "Like my watch?"

The Magnific Catalogue of Rambaldi:    "Heretic! Burn him!" 


End file.
